If we were having coffee together, this weekend, I’m afraid that I would be very poor company. I’ve a wide variety of teas, juices and coffee to offer, as a result. And also cold, filtered water in the refrigerator. As I get involved in thought, I have a tendency to forget to drink plenty of fluids.
As I was sorting through my email, weeding out items I no longer need, it came to me that I will never again receive an email from my mother, and that six months or so ago, I deleted my backlog of messages. Pretty much everything before the current year. The staff at the nursing home are no longer waking her up for meals or activities, but instead providing meals when she is hungry. As much as I approve of that (and did approve the change), I have not awakened her, since then, when I find her asleep. Which has been every time I go to visit, recently.
I would share with you the fact that my father is angry with me because of my telling him of my mother’s end-of-life wishes concerning prayer service, cremation and burial. He is, of course, her next of kin, and so the decisions rest with him, as long as he is alive. We have dental exams scheduled for one day this week in the home town, and I would like to see him again, apart from his 100th birthday party on the tenth. Since he has moved for the winter, he no longer has his own telephone; there had been talk about dropping the line, since the family in town have cell phones and will not need the land line in the interim.
It is unfortunate that the (U.S.) election has occurred the day after the death of Leonard Cohen. The song “Hallelujah”, so solemn and dirge-like, has blended together with the election and Mother’s fading away, the uncertainty about the whereabouts of my youngest brother and his wife (not the same place, I expect), the death of Leonard Cohen himself, the uncertainty of so many people both within and without my circle of friends and acquaintances … I have cried, this week, until the insides of my bones ache and my heart falters and skips beats. Everything has wrapped itself into a ball of misery that I refuse to allow to overwhelm me.
While Al is away, and in the middle of the night, Thaddeus (my puppy) will come out of his kennel and sleep on my lap, while I hold him and cry.
I return to Micah 6:8 (if I recall that correctly) concerning what God requires of us. Of me. I like the use of discreetly in place of humbly in the context. Perhaps it reminds me again that … I am not God and I do not know God’s thoughts, nor should I presume to act in God’s place or on God’s behalf in terms of judgment.
When this storm has passed and my family’s needs are at least clearer, if not settled, I will settle in with the list that I have started concerning what more I can do for others as new needs arise.
Thank you for being here as I prepare to work thorough the immediacy and find the right course.
Best wishes for your week!
You can find links (look for the button) to other weekend coffee share posts at our host Diana’s Part Time Monster Blog.
P.S. Received a call from the R.N. (on Monday afternoon) that Mother’s been placed on “Pending” status and that I should let family members know she may not be alive for much longer.